Prayer & Scripture in Suffering

This post is part of an ongoing series on ministering to people in pain. Click here to see all posts in this series.

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When you walk through a season of pain, it does not take long until you begin to receive spiritual advice. Scriptures (often taken out of context) will be sent your direction. The recommendation to “pray more” or “just have faith” is quickly on others’ lips. Sometimes these well-intentioned efforts do more harm than good.

We’ve already talked about what not to say to someone in pain, which includes spiritual platitudes. We’ve also discussed why a theodicy (the answer to "why?") doesn't actually solve our problems. The emphasis so far has been, admittedly, in my friend’s words: “Don’t be a Bible basher.” 

After weeks of discussing how to help people in pain, we’ve finally come full circle - back to the Bible, back to prayer. We come to the question of the role they can - and should - play when someone is in pain. How should we use Scripture as we minister to the suffering? How do we pray, when we find raw hearts, with no words, with only questions and heartache?

Thanks be to God—the Bible is not a book of platitudes and feel-good sayings. It is the word of God to us in all times and places, including our deepest suffering.

In the Bible we see a picture of a God who draws near to the brokenhearted and meets them in their place of weakness. We see a God who came to earth and took on our experience of human suffering. We see our suffering Savior, who understands our pain and can truly empathize with us. We see a God who sees, a God who hears, a God who responds to our cries of desperation. When we’re sharing Scripture with someone in pain (again, within the appropriate relationship and context), we can emphasize these truths that point to our God of compassion.

“When we can find no words to carry our suffering and confusion to God, it is encouraging to find that God himself has provided words for us.”

— Gay Hubbard, More Than an Aspirin

Thanks be to God—the Bible gives us words to pray when we have none. It offers us prayers we can adopt, prayers that model boldly bringing our pain and desperation to God. 

These prayers, of course, are found in the Psalms. We call them “lament Psalms.” We can use them as we pray for people in pain—and we can share them with suffering people as a God-given model for their own prayers. They follow a general pattern (I’m using Gay Hubbard’s language below):

• Protest - This is what is wrong.

• Petition - This is how I want You to fix it.

• Praise - I trust You, even though I don’t see it yet. I remember Your faithfulness in the past, and it gives me hope for the future. I trust You will hear and respond.

When we read some of these Psalms, we're surprised. Then we paraphrase them into our own language, our own circumstance, and we're shocked. We are uncomfortable with how bold they are, with how directly they describe our distress, how boldly they appeal to God for help. We wonder if we can do that, if we're allowed to be so forward.

“We approach God as though He were an elderly, easily-shocked Victorian maiden aunt…we behave as though God were too nice for the raw, powerful, dangerous reality of our human experience.”

— Gay Hubbard, More Than an Aspirin

Miroslav Volf says these Psalms teach us that “rage belongs before God.” So do our questions, our fears, our doubts, and our sorrow. He is not afraid of them. They do not shake Him. The safest and healthiest place to bring them is before Him, directed at Him. This itself is an expression of faith—to bring our deepest, darkest emotions to the Lord.

What do we do with this?

1. When we share Scripture, we can point them to the suffering Savior and the God who draws near in compassion and comfort. We can find hope in His pattern of redeeming the worst and most hopeless of situations into something good. The emphasis is not on "here's this Bible verse, feel better!" but on "He knows, He hears, He came and suffered to remedy this brokenness." This requires sensitivity and discernment to know what to share.

2. We can pray (and encourage others to pray) the lament Psalms. 

• Repeat the words of the Psalm in its translation.

• Paraphrase the Psalm into your own language, related to your situation.

• Write a lament Psalm of your own, using the pattern we see in Scripture (for an example of this see Psalms of Lament by Anne Weems).

Lament Psalm examples: Psalm 6, 10, 13, 17, 22, 25, 30, 31, 69, 73, 86, 88, 102

What Is (And Isn’t) Forgiveness?

This post is part of an ongoing series on ministering to people in pain. Click here to see all the posts in this series.

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As I sit here this morning, I’m thinking of the precious people I know who are hurting today. Their faces parade through my mind as I feel the weight of their pain. Some of them are suffering the pain of life in a broken world, facing aggressive illnesses, sudden death, burying children or parents, waiting for news in hospital rooms. 

Others, though, are walking through pain inflicted by the wrongdoing or carelessness of other people. Thoughtless words of friends that hurt instead of comfort. Infidelity that makes blackened rubble of a marriage. Injustice sanctioned or ignored, innocent lives crushed in the jaws of indifference. Abuse perpetuated by ones who should protect and nourish. Many of us wear the scars. We all have our stories. And somewhere in the healing process, we come to the point we must consider forgiveness. 

For those of us who claim the name Christian, we are a people marked by forgiveness. We believe God, in Jesus Christ on the cross, paid himself the debt we owed. We are forgiven—and, even more, we are welcomed into the family of God, reconciled, once-severed relationship made whole. In the Bible, we are called in no uncertain terms to extend forgiveness to one another, just as we have received undeserved, unmerited forgiveness and mercy.

I will not sugar coat or underestimate the challenge of this calling. It can be incredibly difficult—particularly when the offending party doesn’t repent. 

“Forgiveness is a costly activity. When you cancel a debt, it does not simply disappear. Instead, you absorb a liability someone deserves to pay. Similarly, forgiveness requires that you absorb certain effects of another person’s sins and release the person from liability to punishment.”

- Ken Sande, Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict

Forgiveness is also often misunderstood, and this misunderstanding can lead to more pain, perpetuating guilt, or putting someone in a position for further abuse to occur. When we're ministering to someone in pain, it's important for us to understand what forgiveness is—and isn't—as we encourage the person to pursue it. 

Forgiveness is...

• Canceling a debt

• Giving up the sense “you owe me”

• Giving up the “right” to get even

Forgiveness is not...

• Forgetting

• No consequences

• Pretending unacceptable behavior is acceptable

• Excusing

• No longer feeling pain or grief

• Trust

• Reconciliation

Reconciliation refers to a restored relationship. Part of the beauty of the Gospel is that we are not only forgiven by God but also reconciled. He has not only canceled our debt (forgiveness) but has also restored our relationship (reconciliation). 

In our human relationships, reconciliation should be a goal, if possible, but it isn’t automatic. It is possible to forgive without being reconciled. For example, someone in an abusive relationship may forgive the abuser (not holding the abuse over him, not seeking revenge, not dwelling on it continually, refusing hatred, taking healthy steps to move forward), but she does not have to put herself back into a vulnerable position by remaining in the same level of relationship or trust as before. 

For reconciliation to take place, there must be forgiveness and restored trust. It can only come fully after repentance and a commitment to change—and from there a trusting relationship can be rebuilt. 

This can be described as a two-stage process. 1) We commit to God to forgive, releasing our vengeance and choosing not to dwell on the situation. 2) Then, based on the repentance of the offender, we can exchange forgiveness and rebuild trust and relationship. 

The first “stage” is what we strive for (and I believe what is commanded in the Bible). It sets us free from the bondage of bitterness and revenge. It allows us to move on. It puts us in a position that, if the other person would come to us, asking for forgiveness, we would already be in the place to say, “Yes, I forgive you.” 

Forgiveness is a process, and it takes time. For most of us, it isn’t an isolated one-time event but rather a discipline of continuing to choose forgiveness day-by-day. It’s figuring out how to start over, how to move forward. It’s a continual act of obedience. 

The Face of Resilience

This post is part of an ongoing series on ministering to people in pain. Click here to see all the posts in this series.

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I remember the laughter. The precious children and young women entrusted to me for a year’s time had been through so much. Many of them had been to hell and back again. Some of them were still too young to realize it. But what I remember most wasn’t the tears or the anger. I remember the laughter ringing down the hallway, filtering through my door. I remember the sparkle of excitement on their faces as they shared dreams for the future. I remember their creativity. I remember how, for the most part, they looked forward to the future not as something to be feared but as something to be anticipated for its opportunity. For the vast majority of these kiddos, there was a sense that though the past had been difficult, and the present might still not be the best, the future could be good. I marveled. 

Resilience. It’s the word we use for the ability of the human spirit to bounce back and continue to thrive after hardship, heartache, and trauma. I believe it’s a mysterious and precious gift of God’s grace to us. 

Resilience  gives us hope that pain, though present and unavoidable, is what we make it. We can choose how to respond to our painful circumstances. We can grow and thrive in the face of pain.

Some of us may be more naturally resilient due to temperament, life experiences, relationships, etc., but researchers are finding that resilience can be cultivated. This gives us a great deal of hope. 

As we walk with someone through pain, as we come to the place when it is appropriate to be a “challenger," we can look to resilience in two ways: We can celebrate resilience as we “catch them in the act of coping," and we can encourage resilience’s development. 

Researchers have found common patterns of behavior and attitudes amongst resilience people. As you read the list below, remember these are trends. One person may not have all of these qualities, but these patterns are strong indicators of a person’s resilience and their ability to rebound from hardship. Some of these qualities are innate, but all, with a bit of effort in some cases, can be cultivated.

The Resilient…

• Are realistic optimists. They do not live in whitewashing denial but neither do they live in despair. They recognize the negative but don’t remain fixated on it. They do not exaggerate their pain, trauma, or stress - or mull over it endlessly. They do not catastrophize. They are pragmatic about both pain and happiness.
   

• Allow themselves to feel both good and bad emotions at the same time. They feel sorrow and joy, loss and gratitude. They relish positive experiences as they come, even if small. They take time to notice the good moments.
   

• Approach all of life, including pain, as a learner. Pain is not a threat to be feared but an opportunity to be explored. They look at painful circumstances as a chance to grow and become stronger. They ask, “What is this teaching me?”
   

• Refuse to be passive, helpless, victims. They actively take responsibility to do what they can with what they have. They are not obsessed, however, with control or perfection. They do what they can and move on. They are flexible in the ways they respond, react, and think.
   

• Aren’t narcissistic or self-preoccupied. They know their life and their pain is only a part of the story. They are aware of both their strengths and weakness. They seek to serve others and embrace what they have to give, whether a smile, tutoring, cooking, a kind words, etc. They are generous givers, not hoarders.
   

• Practice gratitude intentionally. They focus on what they have to be grateful for and deliberately bring those things to mind. They know how to be grateful for the “half loaf” or the second choice, for these are better than nothing.
   

• Practice good self-care. They allow themselves to sleep and rest. They eat properly. They exercise. They manage their stress levels. They get outside and spend time in nature.
   

• Have friendships and other meaningful relationships that provide support and help them know they aren’t alone.
   

• Laugh and foster a good sense of humor. They can laugh at themselves, their mistakes, and their circumstances.
   

• Hold onto hope. They believe "it's not over 'til it's over." From a Christian perspective, they cling to the hope of God's promise to make all things new and ultimately triumph over all pain, brokenness, and sorrow.

What Do We Do With This?

1. When you see these qualities, point them out and celebrate them. Hold up a mirror so the person can see his or her own strength.
    

2. Encourage the development of resilience-building skills, behaviors, and attitudes, such as those above. 
    

3. Recognize that not everyone wants to (or is ready to) be resilient or to grow through pain. Graciously work with them through this.

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Sources

“10 Ways to Boost Your Emotional Resilience, Backed by Research” by Eric Barker for Time

“The 5 Best Ways to Build Resiliency” by Jessie Sholl on ExperienceLife.com

“The Secret Formula for Resilience” by Maria Konnikova for The New Yorker

Tough Love Requires a Relationship

This post is part of an ongoing series on ministering to people in pain. Click here to see all the posts in this series.

We came home late one night over the weekend, and as I was about to whip the car across the street, my headlights caught two figures in the middle of the driveway. It was our 92-year-old landlord and his wife taking out the trash. He was pushing a tiny firetruck-red wheelbarrow, piled with the recycling bins and trash bags. She held her hand to the top of the unsteady pile to keep everything from spilling over. We sat there as they slowly made their way, the wheelbarrow wobbling on the slight incline. 

Once we could pull into the drive past them, Scott jumped out of the car and asked, "Can I help you?" I watched him easily lift the bins from the wheelbarrow and set them on the ground. We saw an opportunity, so he helped.

We can use this as a metaphor for how we help people in pain. We see someone struggling. We acknowledge the struggle. We ask if there's a way we can help. But our tendency is to barge in. We see someone shuffling along, slowly making their way, and we jump in to "help," hefting bins around, telling them to get a better wheelbarrow, telling them they shouldn't be out like this anyway. The metaphor is breaking down now, but I think you see my point.

Our initial default with pain shouldn't be going into fix-it mode. It should be to shuffle along with them, matching our strides with theirs. We listen. We empathize. We are present.

I have spent the last several weeks trying to illustrate what this looks like because it is so critical - and because we tend to be bad at it. We like to do, to act. There is a time for this - we're going to start getting to it this week - but I want to be clear. We must always start from this place of "presence." We must always start from a place of relationship, a relationship of trust, vulnerability, and love. We must always start by listening well, ensuring we really hear their experience and understand what's going on. 

In counseling, we talk about the importance of the "therapeutic relationship" - the relationship built between the counselor and the client. Research is showing that this relationship, and the personal qualities of the counselor, are much more influential than the actual technique or model for treatment. 

While I'm not talking here about counseling, I think a similar principle applies. We think that coming up with the right response to someone or finding the right thing to say or challenging them in the right direction will be the key to their comfort. But the reality is that our relationship with them is what is truly powerful. 

There does come a time and place to speak or to act. Though there may be some situations in which our presence and listening well are all that is needed, this is not always the case. Consider this scenario:

I really hope that got a laugh. This woman just wanted to be heard. She needed her husband (or whoever he was) to listen to her and acknowledge she was struggling. However, if he just stopped there and didn't eventually try to help her with the nail, it would be a bit ridiculous, right? While this might seem a bit absurd, I think it makes the point well. We start with the listening and the being there. Then from this point, we can help. 

We may need to help with pain management skills and understanding how to continue to choose life and stay open to joy.  We may need to speak truth. We may need to support a change of circumstance, thinking, or behavior, “gracefully suggesting the possibility of life without the problem.” We may need to encourage and develop resilience, looking for strength and growth that redeem the pain. We may need to invite them to consider forgiveness.

These actions and suggestions can be integral parts of growth and healing in pain. They are important, and we need people in our lives who can graciously and appropriately encourage us to take steps in the right direction. We'll be talking about these things over the next couple weeks. 

When you come to the place to offer suggestions or be a "challenger," before you speak, consider these questions:

• Do I have the trusting, loving, vulnerable relationship necessary to play this role with this person? Am I acting from an appropriate relationship?
   

• Have I taken the time to listen well and ensured I truly understand what's going on?
   

• Am I being sensitive to timing? Are they ready to be pushed in this way?
   

• Will my suggestions encourage them to choose life, to hold open a space for joy, or to nurture hope?

More Than An Aspirin: A Review

This post is part of an ongoing series on ministering to people in pain. Click here to see all the posts in this series.

“In a practical sense, this is a book of good news about bad news. The bad news is no surprise: We know that life inevitably brings times of loss and pain, often unfairly, often without warning. We know, at least in part, the good news as well. We understand that it is possible to live through these times of pain and disorientation in ways that result in wisdom, maturity, and prosperity for our souls. What we are less clear about, however, is how to make this happen…” 

Thus begins Gay Hubbard in her book More Than an Aspirin. In the book, Hubbard takes on the task of answering this quandary and explores thought patterns and practical actions that enable us to manage pain well. It’s the best book I know of on the subject of pain management and suffering from a Christian perspective. 

Hubbard calls us to see effective pain management as a part of good stewardship and discipleship. This note is part of what makes it unique - and gives it a pervading undercurrent of hope. We can’t eliminate pain in most cases, but we can choose to live through it in a way that helps us to choose life, hold ourselves open to joy, and nurture strength. 

It is this form of pain management Hubbard lays out in her book. I have found she gracefully walks the line between being a comforter and a challenger, the line between a hug and a good kick-in-the-pants. She will not offer platitudes or empty promises, and she acknowledges walking through pain in this way is challenging. But she holds to the bed-rock surety that God can bring good from our pain. So she encourages us to “commit to managing our pain in ways that helps to bring this about.”

I will exercise great self-restraint and outline only one helpful snippet of Hubbard’s wisdom for you today. I encourage you to get a copy of the book because there’s a lot more where this came from.

MEDDSS Model for Self-Care

Hubbard uses the acronym MEDDSS for her model for self-care. This model, she says, allows us  “to choose life one step at a time as an act of discipleship.” Self-care in this sense is essential to redemptively managing our pain in the way Hubbard describes. 

M: Mastery
Take the next right step and do what you can, no matter how small

Mastery is refusing to surrender to our painful circumstances by accepting the role of victim. It says we always have the power to act and choose, even if it’s something as simple as getting out of bed in the morning. But mastery also remembers the true source of our strength to act: God’s enabling power. Mastery asks, “What can I do?” and then does it, even if it’s in the smallest of things.

E: Exercise
Allow your body to strengthen your soul

Exercise doesn’t have to be complex. It can be as simple as a 10 minute walk. Studies have found exercise to be as effective as medication for some forms of depression. Exercise values our bodies as God’s creation. And it acknowledges the complex connection between our bodies and souls. 

D: Diet
Not too much, not too little, but just the right amount of healthful foods

The Diet/Food part of MEDDSS encourages good nutrition. It also frees us to choose food as a part of our pain management (like traditional comfort food or a good cup of tea). The key is for the food to be a thoughtful choice, not an unconscious, uncontrolled means to handle our pain. The Goldilocks principle is key here: not too much, not too little, but just the right amount.

D: Drugs
Take the drugs prescribed to me in a way that enables me to function more effectively

Medication (or things like vitamins) can be a tool that enables us to function more effectively and strengthens our discipleship. But we must pay attention not just to what we take, but why and how we take it. We must not misplace our hope and expect a pill alone to solve our problems, but rather see it as a part of the whole.

S: Sleep
Not too much, not too little, but the right amount for effective functioning

Sleep is a practice of restraining ourselves to rest. Most adults require 7-8 hours of sleep each night. Sleep is often linked to our emotional stability, and the choice to sleep may enable us to better receive God’s grace: “behaviors demonstrating love, kindness, patience, and self-control are not the fruit of sleep deprivation.” We must make sleep a priority, not something that’s optional. We may have to implement behaviors, routines, and practices to encourage good sleep habits.

S: Spirituality
Invest time and energy in your spiritual growth

We acknowledge that all of our life—including struggles and failures—plays a significant role in our relationship with God, and we look for how the choices we make in each area of life can deepen that relationship. We embrace forms of worship, communities, books, music, and other materials that feed and challenge our spiritual growth in this particular place and time in our journey. 

What Do I Do With This?

1. Get a copy of More Than an Aspirin on your shelf. It’s an excellent resource both for your own reference and to be able to lend to others when they might be struggling.
   

2. Encourage others to take their MEDDSS as you're supporting them through a season of pain. Begin with Mastery, emphasizing their ability to choose and act. Encourage them in healthy self-care using this model. Remember it’s based on small steps in the right direction and small choices made each day.
   

3. Model healthy discipleship-oriented self-care in your own life. The model for self-care as described here isn’t about self-indulgence—it’s about putting yourself in a place to live as a more effective disciple of Jesus, and it will position you to minister more effectively to others.